Feeling Worse

So I hate to post such bummers, and I hate to sound like a complainer. But writing here is a form of release for me, and it is also a way to document my journey whether it be emotions, travelling or school related. I was informed yesterday that 1. my federal loan money was deposited into my account and 2. that the private loan that I had applied for months ago was not going to be approved by the school. You see, the university decides what the cost of living for each student will be. The amount they approved seems feasible, but since I am in a country that is not my own, and it is twice as expensive, I need more money than the university deems that I should need. I have a credit card payment at home that needs to be taken care of, as well as simple living expenses while I am here, that are twice as expensive. So the university determined that they would only approve about a quarter of what I asked for in my private loan. So I was pretty happy yesterday, and now today I feel scared and stressed. I am still at odds with the financial aid office, because they also forgot to include my scholarship in this first loan disbursement, and told me that they will just make it up to me in my next two disbursements in January and June. Thanks, that 5oo pounds would have really been useful to me! It is also still hard for me to determine what is feasible spending-wise, since I JUST got the money. I am scared to spend any money right now, because I worry that I won't have enough. Half of the money that was deposited into my account will go to my rent in two weeks. I chose to make three rent payments, so the first one is due on the 24th. I guess I am just feeling anxious overall, and now need to find an alternative source of money, which is hard because I am no longer in the United States. My department was really shocked and upset when I relayed to them my struggles with the finance office, so I can only hope that things get better for future students. My department, and the university in general is really anxious to get more students from the US, and would like those of us that are studying here to recommend the university to people back home. I told them that I didn't feel comfortable doing that sheerly because of the crap that I have dealt with from the finance office!

On the flip side, I am really excited about my classes, and that is one of the main things that keeps me going. I truly feel invigorated by my school work, and so I know that I am on the right path for me at this point. If I wasn't excited about school, I would probably just pack up and come home! Well, not really, but it would make it that much harder. I also enjoy my new friends, and their kind and generous hearts. My program director organized a social last night for the students of British history. It was quite nice, and I got drunk. Which is probably why I feel so horrible today mentally (and physically!) A local who is a friend of someone in the program kept offering to buy me drinks, which of course I couldn't refuse in my financial state! It was nice though to get out and socialize. I don't want to be handicapped socially by my lack of money (or perception thereof). Alissa and Anik met up with us last night, and I was really glad they did. Alissa was also bought a couple of drinks, so she was in the same boat as me! We got up this morning, hung over and hungry. We walked to a restaurant, but afterwards I was still feeling poorly, so I came home and laid down.

I got a text this afternoon from Rob, because we are all going to York tomorrow, so we wanted to discuss plans. Rob and I met for tea at the usual Kaffechinos, and had a nice chat about our classes. Jamie met up with us after work, and so we discussed tomorrow's plans. We are taking the train at 8:30, which is about an hour long, and we are going to spend the whole day there. We are going to do a ghost tour in the evening, and then come home. There is also a Viking museum, and a few historic sites. I am excited! It's a little hard to justify the money, but I don't think I can take a weekend in my room alone at this point, and what's the point of being here and not seeing stuff?

I received a package from Linda yesterday, which made me very excited! She sent a couple books, some ear plugs and some herbal sleep aid. Which I will surely be using since at night when trying to sleep is when I get really anxious. She sent along the nicest letter, and I found myself crying while reading it. I was walking to campus, so probably looked like a crazy person, but I was really happy to get a note and package. I also bought myself an umbrella yesterday, as well as a pair of flats. They were very inexpensive, and they are in fashion here, and I wanted something nice to wear to my social. Of course today, I have blisters, but it was worth it 'cause I looked cute! I also got a note yesterday that me and my fellow kitchen mates have to meet the head housekeeper in our kitchen Monday morning. Which pisses me off because I don't want to be talked to like I am five, and told how to clean up after myself, because I already know how! I think I will say something to the office about it, because I haven't cooked in there yet, except for frozen pizzas and microwaveable things. Alissa and Anik have nicer kitchens, and they don't have cleanliness issues! Here I go complaining again...

So I should have some pretty sweet photos to post this weekend. I will give an update of my trip as well. The leaves are starting to turn here, and it's really beautiful, so I want to capture that as well. It was surprisingly warm all week. In the low 60's and I have been leaving without a sweater, coat, or scarf! Maybe I am getting acclimated! It hasn't been sunny though, so that's a bit of a bummer. But nor has it rained (although now I have an umbrella after three weeks without. Yippee!) I am reading Eat, Pray, Love and love it. As soon as I am finished, I will read Linda's favorite, The Golden Compass which a movie is being made from. So I will head off now to go to bed early for my awesome day tomorrow! I am not homesick yet, so I think that is a good sign. Alissa generously offered to go out tonight, if it would make me feel better, but instead we watched a little TV. Now I have to get up around 7 am, and it doesn't even get light out till 7:15! It will be worth it I am sure.

Love you all!